Do you understand the effort it takes to explain why something is bigoted, sexist, offensive or racist?

 Ok, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t have a problem talking about racism.   In addition, I have had a few white friends who have asked me some questions about topics relating to race.  In most situations, it’s usually phrased as “Can you explain to me why ____________ is racist?”

As I think about this, I wonder if people truly appreciate the effort it takes when you ask a POC about why something is or is not racist.  I can’t speak for everyone in terms of all topics and I definitely can’t speak for Persons of Color (POC) about race but here’s the mental exercise I have to go through when someone asks me the question:

1) Going through my Mental Race Rolodex for suitable examples

When someone asks me a question about race, I have 51 years of life experiences and interactions to pull. Since the question being asked of me is specific, I have to take a moment to mentally process what examples I have been exposed that may be useful in illustrating the points I need to make.

2) Evaluating YOU as the audience

Whether you know it or not, I am evaluating YOU because I can’t say what I want to say the way I want to say it if I don’t believe you can handle it.   Now, that statement may sound very condescending but the reality is there are some people who want the ‘HEAT’ of information with no filter.  However, some people may SAY they want it but are not prepared for what the “HEAT” sounds like or looks like.  So, as I processing the information, I am evaluating you to determine the best way to present the information so you can retain it.

3) Deciding what information to tell you that you will be able to process

If you have NO reference for the information I am telling you, you may not be able to process it.  This statement is not an insult regarding your intelligence.  It is a reflection of your experiences or the lack of having been exposed to my experiences.   So, when I’m providing information, I am providing in a measured, methodical and calculated manner to ensure I get my point across and you can process the point I am making.

4) Bracing myself for the possibility that you are more interested in talking than listening

I am a fan of the ‘lecture’ format which is ‘I talk and when I am done, I’ll answer your question’.  However, in actuality, my lecture format is more interactive which is “ask me a question while I’m on a topic so I can address it in real time”.  Unfortunately, my interactive format creates the possibility of someone spending more time ‘talking’ as opposed to ‘listening’ to what I am saying.

5) Accepting the reality that your first question is a set up for multiple other questions

Almost every conversation about race STARTS with one simple question and invariably ends up with a bunch of follow up questions.

6) Worrying that you are only getting a PIECE of the pie and not the WHOLE pie

One of the concerns I often have with the ‘one simple question’ perspective is that the person is only interested in addressing the one piece of a much bigger pie.  As such, by only addressing the one piece, they completely overlook the whole pie.

7) Rest, Recoup, and Repeat (My life, your situation)

Interestingly enough, some people will asks multiple questions over the course of a period of time.   Where my experience with race is an ongoing life experience, their interest in a particular question or topic is situational.  As such, as their situation has been addressed, they can continue on with their life experience which may be devoid of these experiences relating bigotry or racism.

And let’s be clear.  I have never complained about answering questions.  However, answering questions can be exhausting.   So, when you ask someone a question about a topic like ‘race’, just know they take their response to you seriously and it takes a lot of work for them to inform you.